In case you haven’t heard, the mother of a four-year-old girl has sued a pricey Manhattan preschool. Why? For harming her daughter’s chances of getting into an elite private school and, in turn, an Ivy League college. (Just to be clear: this happened in Manhattan, New York, and not Manhattan, Kansas.)
In the spirit of this mother’s courageous act, we’ve created a list of other possible lawsuits that the parents of budding geniuses might want to consider. After all, nobody should let tens of thousands of dollars stand between them and their stratospheric ambitions for little Johnny and Susie, who are destined for greatness (or business school), years of stunning achievements (or frantic nail-biting), and a lifetime of selfless actions (or selfish indifference to others).
Are you a concerned mom or dad who daydreams about sending your children to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc.? If so, you should think about suing:
• Your nannies/au pairs, for not speaking enough of Spanish/French/German around your children. If your child doesn’t know a second language by five, he or she will never get into a top college, after which knowledge of another language would be useless.
• Penguin Books, which publishes Colleges That Change Lives, a subversive text that could threaten your child’s future. It includes the libelous suggestion that a bunch of “no-name” colleges “will do at least as much, and usually far more than, any Ivy League clone, or a major research university to give you a rich, full life, and to make you a winner.”
• Your daughter’s health teacher, for promoting good nutrition. Just how in the world is your daughter supposed to become an award-winning dancer if she starts living on anything more than diet cola and half an apple each day?
• Your son’s football coach, for not allowing players to “spear” opponents with their helmets. Doesn’t he understand that you want Stanford’s scouts to see that your son tackles other players as hard as he tackles AP Chemistry?
• Your parents/in-laws, for not donating more (or any) money to the top-25 institution of your choice, thus depriving your child of a crucial “hook.” Don’t your child’s grandparents understand that they can’t take it with them?
• Your son or daughter’s college counselor, for any of the following: a) using cheap stationery in handwritten notes to admissions deans b) poor penmanship c) reluctance to disparage less-deserving students in your child’s school d) suggesting colleges other than ones you’ve heard of e) unwillingness to use his/her “charms” in pursuit of your desired admissions outcomes.
• Your family’s priest/minister/rabbi/imam, for suggesting to your children that there’s something more to life than worldly success. Pish posh!