Unrelated to DvF:
Based on previous responses featuring selective reading , I'll put my own money on the response to Polly being "Thanks. What is a quatloo?"
Also, I might have waited to write my little script had I known it was going to get SO MUCH BETTER. I honestly thought we were at the point at which very little further lunacy could be injected into this farce. I was wrong. So very wrong.
FWIW, here's my take - it's a bit of a Greek tragedy, with a slightly different focus. And, of course, it's unfinished - we haven't seen exactly how our antihero will perish yet.Dramatis personae:
Opie, a boater with an idea
Skipper of the Oracle, a sailing team in the America's cup race
Helmsman, part of the Oracle's crew
the Chorus Scene 1:
Opie: I would like to sail the Oracle
. I have an idea for a novel path through a course you haven't sailed before. Helmsman, may I borrow your boat?
Helmsman: She's not mine to lend, and she can only be sailed by a crew, not just by one person. But I'll see if we can get you onto the crew temporarily and try your route. Let me talk to the Skipper. Can you tell me more about the route you plan to take?
Opie: I don't want to share my map, because you might take that route first without me, and then I wouldn't be famous for thinking of that route. However, it's somewhere in the Pacific.
Helmsman: Uh-huh. OK, let me talk to the Skipper.Scene 2:
Opie: I have an idea for a route to sail in a race. Can I borrow the Oracle
Skipper: The Oracle
requires a full crew to sail her, but we'd be willing to work with you to try your route later. We have several races already scheduled for the summer and a dozen other people who want a spot on the crew. Can you tell me about this route?
Opie: It's somewhere in the Pacific. If I have to wait, can you give me some books on sailing so I can teach myself to sail?
Skipper: ... um... you can't learn to sail from a book.
Helmsman: We can give you a book on the history of sailing, and some schematics of the Oracle
. But you'll have to learn from us how to sail her. It's something you can only learn by doing, and you'll be one member of the crew.
Opie: I want to sail her alone. Why shouldn't I be able to learn to sail a racing sailboat all by myself from a book?Scene 3:
Opie: The Oracle
's crew are being unreasonable! They won't give me the Oracle
so I can go sail her alone along my planned route.
Chorus: It's a fancy, expensive racing boat. Did you expect them to just hand it to you like the keys to an '85 Chevy Cavalier?
Curmudgeon: They secretly want to steal your route and get famous by sailing it first.
Opie: They won't even give me books on how to sail it. Sailing is easy. Picking out this route was the hard part.
Chorus: Have you ever sailed?
Opie: I've kayaked on the pond behind my parents' house. It should be easy to extrapolate if someone would just give me a book on it.
Chorus: They said they'd work with you later in the summer. But you can't learn sailing from a book - you have to learn that by doing, and it's totally different from kayaking. And the Oracle
isn't just a sailboat - it's a very expensive, very fast, very twitchy experimental racing boat. So, you need to talk with the crew so they can teach you how to sail the Oracle
, if you insist on sailing the Oracle
. And it's a team process - this can't just be all about you.
Opie: But I want to do it NOW. And I want my name to be in the headlines, not theirs, when we take the route I'm planning.
Chorus: Then you should talk with the crew again.Scene 4:
Opie: I want to sail NOW.
Helmsman: We have these five other important races going on in the next few weeks. We can fit you in next month.
Opie: I want my name in the headlines when we sail this route for the first time.
Helmsman: Fine, I don't care. The sports magazines have enough articles about me. I care more about the races that pay big money, like the ones in the next four weeks.
Skipper: Yep, fine by me. Just let us focus on racing the Oracle
in these next few races, and we'll see you next month.
Opie: Because, really, sailing is easy. Picking that route off the map was the hardest thing, and nobody else has ever done it before, and I should get lots of credit for doing it. Sailing the Oracle
on that route will just be the proof of concept, and anybody can sail a racing boat.
<Skipper and Helmsman exchange eye-rolls and exit stage starboard>Scene 5:
Opie: The Oracle
's crew are being mean and selfish because they won't do exactly what I want right now.
Chorus: Well, the Oracle
is their boat. You can either sail it by their rules, or go find another boat.
Curmudgeon: F&%k the rules. F&% sailing. Sailors are all asshats anyway.
Opie: But boats like this are hard to find, and I'm in the same town as the Oracle
now. Why can't I sail it now?
Chorus: This is the way the system works. You can work with it, or go find another system - or at least another boat.
Curmudgeon: F&%k boats.
Opie: But I want credit for finding this route on the map. The sailing is easy, and it's not the important part. Finding the route is the important thing.
Chorus: No, everybody brings something important into the boat race. That's why you need a full crew to sail a boat. You need to realize that, then you need to go talk with the crew and make sure you're all on the same page.Scene 6:
Opie: Should I quit my job and become a sailor?