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Author Topic: Lonely Hearts Club  (Read 6059028 times)
merce
strange attractor
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« Reply #41430 on: March 28, 2011, 5:58:40 pm »

I remember her, cgfun. She seemed kind of annoying.
She could pull this stuff all the time. Yuck.
Iīve got a friend who has a similar situation. This woman is so nice to my friend and even suggests they go out for coffee but then heīll email her and suggest a day and she is always busy.
He went through months of this cycle of his pulling back, her re-semi-inviting him for coffee or dinner, him trying to pin it down, and her claiming to be busy. They finally had an actually date and time set. She stood him up!

Apparently a month or so later she came around again and started with the invites. 

I canīt help but think of this friend when you mention this woman. Perhaps she isnīt that bad and my maternal instincts are riling me up more than she deserves. Others will have to give their thoughts.

I say move on.
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crowie
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« Reply #41431 on: March 28, 2011, 6:04:22 pm »

I'm not sure what is desperate about wanting to spend time again with someone whose company you've enjoyed in the past.  That said there are a lot of modifiers in your description of her...fairly attractive, reasonably intelligent, had a reasonably good time.  So maybe you are calling yourself desperate because you are not sure if you actually are that interested in her but you still want to give it another try.  Well, that's ok too, she sounds like someone worth at least one more date.  

I am also not sure what you mean by "restart something"--you mean go on a date right?  In that case, surely it is simply a question of whether both of you have time to meet this weekend, no?  

By the way, I'm not sure why because she had a "weirder" schedule than you that means she "got to determine when we met."  Surely in the end you met at a time that worked for both of you?  And what is the significance of her getting your phone number--does this mean you don't have hers?

On preview: maybe merce's instincts are right.  I don't remember this woman so I might not be a good judge of it.
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cgfunmathguy
Beer-brewing
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« Reply #41432 on: March 28, 2011, 7:32:56 pm »

I'll try to answer some of the questions/points you raise, Crowie.

I'm not sure what is desperate about wanting to spend time again with someone whose company you've enjoyed in the past.  That said there are a lot of modifiers in your description of her...fairly attractive, reasonably intelligent, had a reasonably good time.  So maybe you are calling yourself desperate because you are not sure if you actually are that interested in her but you still want to give it another try.  Well, that's ok too, she sounds like someone worth at least one more date.
I'll put it this way: I'm no Adonis. I'm short, I'm overweight (something I'm trying to work on), and I'm a geek. Given those things, the expectation would be that I would have to settle for someone "plain" or "average" (looks and/or intelligence) or some such thing. This woman is attractive to me, but she's not a beauty queen. She can hold her own in a conversation or discussion, but her reaction to my job description was wide-eyed and seemed to say "What am I doing with this geek?". Maybe I'm over-interpreting that part, but that was the look on her face. The thing is that she has been one of two women to show any actual interest in me in the last two years, and I'm starting to have my doubts about my abilities to maintain a LTR with anyone.

(Yes, I know that this is defeatist, self-sabotage, etc. Knowing those things still don't help me overcome some of the self-doubt, and I'm still trying to convince myself that I deserve someone this nice.)

Quote
I am also not sure what you mean by "restart something"--you mean go on a date right?  In that case, surely it is simply a question of whether both of you have time to meet this weekend, no?
Yes, it should be that simple, but I keep telling myself all those stupid, defeatist things.

Quote
By the way, I'm not sure why because she had a "weirder" schedule than you that means she "got to determine when we met."  Surely in the end you met at a time that worked for both of you?  And what is the significance of her getting your phone number--does this mean you don't have hers?
Her work schedule is much fuller than mine, and thus, she calls me and says "I'm free next Saturday. Do you wanna go out?" rather than me doing the calling and setting things up. Maybe this is just me getting over my chauvinist ideas of how this is supposed to work. It's nice, but it feels strange.

Quote
On preview: maybe merce's instincts are right.  I don't remember this woman so I might not be a good judge of it.
Very possibly. She hasn't played games with me, stood me up, etc., but it doesn't mean she couldn't. I think I'm afraid/scared/nervous because I entered a very deep "lonely phase" after getting out of the hospital two months ago. I'm hoping that something will come from this, but I'm so scared that nothing will, leaving me lonely again.

I think I need to ask out the nurse (technician, maybe?) at the cardiologist's office that I see once a week, just to find out if something is really possible with her.
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Alas, greatness and meaning are rarely coterminous with popular familiarity.
prytania3
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #41433 on: March 28, 2011, 8:15:23 pm »

Math, go out with her for sure, but keep a spreadsheet.

And you know, some women don't mind a little meat on the bones. Hedgepig is on the heavy side; although, he's lost a ton of weight since his operation. He's beginning to look a little pointy actually. He's also not a geek--but geekiness is really a function of outfits. Hedgepig has very nice haberdashery. All right, he's a bit on the preppy side, but he wears it well.

Just don't go all falling in love and imagining a wedding because you have a date.

Spreadsheet. Spreadsheet.

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frogfactory
Totally Metal
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« Reply #41434 on: March 28, 2011, 11:26:21 pm »

Math - "fairly attractive" and "reasonably intelligent"?

If this relationship ever does catch fire with this woman, please set fire to *that* post and bury it.  And deny all knowledge.  I would skin any man, *any* man I found myself in a relationship with if I discovered I'd been described in such a manner.

Obviously you need to get over your dating anxiety, but you don't need to be convincing yourself dating manatees is just part of the process (or, generally, women you don't feel attracted to).

Excuse all the terminal conjunctions there.
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At the end of the day, sometimes you just have to masturbate in the bathroom.
wet_blanket
Some kind of
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« Reply #41435 on: March 29, 2011, 12:48:27 am »

Mathguy, it is truly impressive that you can be lukewarm about a person AND consider her out of your league.

I'm considering making a spreadsheet.  I thought "spreadsheet dating" was merely an illustrative term, but the advantages are becoming apparent.
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prytania3
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #41436 on: March 29, 2011, 12:49:56 am »

Mathguy, it is truly impressive that you can be lukewarm about a person AND consider her out of your league.

I'm considering making a spreadsheet.  I thought "spreadsheet dating" was merely an illustrative term, but the advantages are becoming apparent.

Wet Blanket will find success. The spreadsheet is the way...
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wet_blanket
Some kind of
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« Reply #41437 on: March 29, 2011, 12:54:12 am »

Wet Blanket will find success. The spreadsheet is the way...

And I've found my next tagline, if that's OK Pry?

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prytania3
Distinguished Senior Member
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #41438 on: March 29, 2011, 12:55:21 am »

Wet Blanket will find success. The spreadsheet is the way...

And I've found my next tagline, if that's OK Pry?



Oh, I'm totally flattered. Be my guest.
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cgfunmathguy
Beer-brewing
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« Reply #41439 on: March 29, 2011, 7:28:29 am »

Mathguy, it is truly impressive that you can be lukewarm about a person AND consider her out of your league.
I don't know that either one of these descriptors is true. I really like this woman, and I do want to continue seeing her. Is she out of my league? In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. We have only had two dates/meetings, and thus, it's hard to determine whether either of us is "out of our league". I'm more afraid that we'll find out that our desires/goals/whatever for the relationship aren't even close. I'm tired of being alone ALL. THE. TIME. As Froggy puts it, my anxiety about dating is really setting the stage for self-sabotage. I just don't know how to stop it.

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Alas, greatness and meaning are rarely coterminous with popular familiarity.
pink_
Empress &
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« Reply #41440 on: March 29, 2011, 10:58:44 am »

Mathguy,
IMHO, you need to lower the stakes here.  Sounds to me like you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Go out with her.  Have a good time.  But take it for what it is: just going out to have a good time.  At this stage, that should be enough. It doesn't have to be the beginning of a lifelong commitment (though it doesn't have to *not* be that either).  Just take it easy and see what happens.  If nothing else, maybe you have a couple nice evenings.  Maybe more.
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prytania3
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #41441 on: March 29, 2011, 11:19:20 am »

So Pink, how are you and the Academic doing? We need a news update.
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concordancia
Distinguished Senior Member
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Posts: 13,749


« Reply #41442 on: March 29, 2011, 12:15:14 pm »

Mathguy,
IMHO, you need to lower the stakes here.  Sounds to me like you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Go out with her.  Have a good time.  But take it for what it is: just going out to have a good time.  At this stage, that should be enough. It doesn't have to be the beginning of a lifelong commitment (though it doesn't have to *not* be that either).  Just take it easy and see what happens.  If nothing else, maybe you have a couple nice evenings.  Maybe more.

In the "easier said than done category," even though you are lonely, even though you would like to be in a relationship, it is ideal to approach each person to see what they are about, and then analyze the compatibility, rather than stressing over compatibility for date number three. She may not be The One, but that doesn't mean you couldn't learn something from her over the next few weeks/months.
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pink_
Empress &
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« Reply #41443 on: March 29, 2011, 3:20:59 pm »

So Pink, how are you and the Academic doing? We need a news update.

We're doing well.  This semester is a challenge since we have completely opposite teaching schedules, and we both go up for tenure in the fall, so we don't get to spend a ton of time together right now, but the semester will be over soon enough.  I'm looking forward to the summer--I think we both are.

Thanks for asking Pry :)
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merce
strange attractor
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Posts: 8,556


« Reply #41444 on: March 29, 2011, 3:44:59 pm »

FUNmathfella, please do concentrate on your awesomeness regardless of what happens or doesnīt happen with this woman.  Your way of talking about yourself and your ties with this woman sort of saddened me.

I'm the one who uses the Adonis term here. And if you go back to somewhere in the first 100 posts of this thread you will find my ideal man happens to be: short and chubby.  So, first of all that is an Adonis for some of us in the world. And then, I have to admit, you basically said that only a fugly woman would like that or aspire to that sort of a man. So, youīre kinda suggesting I'm fugly there. -- All right, you didnīt say fugly, you said plain or average in looks or intelligence. Well, I donīt care. Iīm still offended. Iīm not plain or average in either.  Back in the first year of the LHC we would occasionally vet each othersīprofiles. Epi say mine and said I was hot. Spork also thought I was above average when we met in person. So there!

All this to say, go out there and think of yourself as an Adonis.  That is part I, then part II is to follow pink's advice and lower the stakes. Perhaps you should practice with the slow, baby-step version of the spreadsheeting.  Just start browsing the dating site and sending out brief notes and winks to see that people will respond. Go out to cafes and chat with people.



And as regards the literalness of spreadsheeting, wet_blanket, when I was emailing and chatting with 3 or 4 guys a week or so ago I realized I couldnīt remember who Iīd told what or which one had a sister living in Menorca or which one had lost their mother.  The spreadsheet idea really does make sense if youīre as self-absorbed as I.
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