In the fall of 2009, Patrick D. Cho was sitting in his Psychology 110 class discussing the physiology of the brain and nervous system. His instructor described various neuromuscular disorders, such as multiple sclerosis and amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Mr. Cho, then a sophomore at Centre College, in Kentucky, immediately thought of his mother, Fontane, who had been suffering from multiple sclerosis for years.
“Mom has MS, and that’s bad enough,” he recalls thinking. “I can’t imagine what having Lou Gehrig’s disease would be like.”
Five weeks later, he could imagine it quite clearly. That December, he learned that his mother had been diagnosed with ALS. After his parents told him what to expect, he decided to take a leave of absence from the college.
Mr. Cho, an only child, was close to his mother. “I knew I wanted to be there at home,” he says.
Luckily for him, all he had to do was contact the associate dean of the college and fill out a form detailing the circumstances of his absence, and when he intended to return. During his leave, he says, he received support from the administration, including regular e-mails from the dean.
At many colleges, however, taking time off to care for a relative, or missing a few days of class to attend a funeral, can be difficult for students. They may encounter a professor who tells them, in so many words, to suck it up. They might have difficulty negotiating extensions for assignments and make-up dates for exams. Although most institutions have a bereavement policy for faculty and staff, few have one for students.
Perhaps not for long, though. In recent years, several colleges have created grief-absence policies, which grant students excused absences in the event of family deaths or illnesses, and ensure that students can make up class credit later.
“A policy like this existing on a campus sends a message systemically that campus administrators understand that students have lives and face challenges that are real and can impact success,” says Heather L. Servaty-Seib, an associate professor of counseling and development at Purdue University who studies grief and loss among college students. “Even if a student doesn’t use the policy, for an institution to have it suggests compassion and logic.”
Silent Epidemic
After he left college to care for his mother, Mr. Cho recalls, things were normal at first. He played board games with her, helped with chores around the house. But then his mother’s condition worsened.
He watched her live in chronic pain. He watched his father bathe, clothe, and feed her. He watched her struggle to catch a breath, and, in March 2011, he watched her take her last one.
Mr. Cho is part of what some researchers call a “silent epidemic.” Approximately one-third of college students have lost a close relative or friend within the last year, while 38 to 50 percent have lost one within the past two years, according to studies by David E. Balk, a professor at City University of New York’s Brooklyn College who studies adolescent bereavement.
In 2011, the National Survey of Counseling Center Directors found that only 10.6 percent of all college students seek professional counseling for any reason. Bereaved college students do not see grief as a mental-health problem, and therefore tend to ignore counseling centers, Mr. Balk’s research shows.
Even fewer college students discuss their losses with their peers, says Ms. Servaty-Seib, and so they may not realize others have gone through a similar experience. This can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment.
“On college campuses, the focus is so much about fun, growth, learning—it’s high energy,” Ms. Servaty-Seib says. “Having a death loss really sets you apart at a time you don’t want to be set apart or be defined by a life event.”
While he was home caring for his mother, Mr. Cho recalls seeing photographs from study-abroad trips that his classmates had posted online. He read the Facebook statuses of students who said they were stressed about exams and papers.
“I was like, ‘You don’t know what stress is until you have to deal with something like this,’” he says.
Establishing Policy
Losing a loved one can hinder a young person’s development. At a time when students are trying to create their own identities, Ms. Servaty-Seib says, they might be thinking, “How do I figure out who I am or what to do for a career without being able to interact with this person who was so much a part of my life?”
Often, the loss or illness of someone close hinders students’ ability to focus. In turn, they may struggle in their courses, and even drop out of college. In 2006, Ms. Servaty-Seib and Lou Ann Hamilton, assistant dean of students at Purdue, conducted a study on the academic effects of grief. They found that during the semester of their loss, bereaved students earned lower grade-point averages than peers with similar academic backgrounds, and were at greater risk for academic difficulties.
Although Centre College was accommodating of Mr. Cho, some students—particularly those at larger colleges—encounter problems.
In 2010, for instance, Ms. Hamilton received an e-mail from a Purdue student who had just attended his mother’s funeral; his professor would not accept late assignments. This prompted Ms. Hamilton to work with Purdue’s student government to develop what became the Grief Absence Policy for Students.
Rather than negotiate with multiple professors over due dates and class absences, students now need only contact the office of the dean of students. The policy specifies the number of excused absences a student may receive depending on the relation of the person who has died, and whether the student is traveling for the funeral. Under the policy, instructors must provide the opportunity to earn credit equivalent to what the student missed during the absence.
Students must provide documentation of a death or funeral service. During the 2011-12 term, 480 students (out of almost 40,000) used the policy.
A handful of other colleges have a grief-absence policy for students, including Ball State University, the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay, and Duke University’s Trinity College of Arts & Sciences.
Michigan State University is likely to adopt its own policy soon. Recently, several students complained to the student government about having to miss the funeral of a relative in order to complete an assignment that determined their final grade. One young woman even failed a course because she was not given a chance to make up an exam she had missed while attending the funeral of a family member.
“We thought no student should be given that choice,” says Emily R. Bank, the student government’s vice chairwoman for academic affairs. “They should be able to go to the funeral and be given ample time to make things up.”
Using Purdue’s policy as a model, Michigan State’s student government drafted its own policy. Ms. Bank says she hopes the university will approve it before the start of the 2013-14 academic year.
Peer Support
As some colleges have adopted grief-absence policies, organizations that help grieving students have formed on campuses around the country.
In 2004, David C. Fajgenbaum, then a sophomore at Georgetown University, lost his mother, Anne Marie, to cancer. Throughout her illness, he did not tell anyone about her plight—or why he went home every weekend. But after his mother died, he was approached by other students who had experienced similar losses.
That’s when Mr. Fajgenbaum decided to start a forum where students who had lost loved ones or were dealing with ailing family members could talk with one another. He founded Students of AMF, a dual acronym for “Anne Marie Fajgenbaum” and “Ailing Mothers & Fathers.” The support group grew from 10 of his peers to more than 400 Georgetown students.
“For a majority of grievers, they don’t necessarily need a counselor, they don’t necessarily need professional help,” said Mr. Fajgenbaum. “What they need is someone who they can relate to.”
Students elsewhere began requesting help to start their own chapters. In 2006 the National Students of AMF—which now stands for “Actively Moving Forward"—was founded. Today, there are 44 official chapters at colleges nationwide, and 35 in development. The organization continues to receive requests from both students and faculty members to start chapters on their campuses.
Members of the organization attend group sessions with their peers. Each chapter also participates in community service to raise awareness and funds in honor of a loved one. Mr. Fajgenbaum has raised money for cancer research.
After his own mother died, Mr. Cho, the Centre College student, was clicking through links to support groups when he stumbled across the Web site for Students of AMF. “This is exactly what I’m looking for,” he thought.
And so when he re-enrolled at Centre, in the fall of 2011, he started a chapter there. The group, Mr. Cho says, has been therapeutic for him. He gets to talk about his mother, but he also gets to help other students. “You have the chance to support them,” he says, “through one of the most difficult times they will face in their entire lives.”
