“The Bullblog has learned from two very reputable sources within the English department that James Franco, star of Milk, Pineapple Express, and the Spider-Man movies, is coming to Yale for a Ph.D. in English after getting his M.F.A. at Columbia.” (The Yale Herald, March 2010)
From the Twitter feed of Moacir P. de Sá Pereira, a doctoral student in English language and literature at the University of Chicago, on February 18:
Byron, Shelley, and Keats are descending from heaven to publish new poems for James Franco to include in his dissertation.
Harold Bloom is not on James Franco’s diss. cmte. In fact, Franco traveled back in time to grill Bloom at his defense.
Aristotle plagiarized James Franco’s dissertation. Ashamed, he burned all extant copies of it, a treatise on comedy.
James Franco’s dissertation reveals who Shakespeare’s sonnets’ Rival Poet was: JAMES FRANCO.
James Franco’s diss. doesn’t have rough drafts. It just has the parts forthcoming from Verso, Routledge, & @UChicagoPress.
James Franco cites in neither Chicago nor MLA style. Actually, he does not cite at all—he stands on no giant’s shoulders.
James Franco won’t have a tenure hearing. He’ll have a tenure concert, open to the public, proceeds to other Ph.D. students.
James Franco won’t get a named Chair in English Literature. He’ll get a named Living Room Set.
James Franco doesn’t hire research assistants. 1. He doesn’t need help. 2. He doesn’t search; he has already found.
James Franco is allowed to drink in Special Collections. His reflexes guarantee no coffee spills on rare books.
James Franco never pays for photocopies at the library. Why kill trees while neglecting a photographic memory?
James Franco’s dissertation is not a “contribution to the field.” It *is* the field.
Search committees fly to James Franco’s house during the MLA Convention and interview him while sitting on his bed.
James Franco doesn’t take notes in class. Sure, his memory is great, but, more, it’s that the lecturers are quoting him.
James Franco’s publishing history is kind of slim, since, well, peer review is more or less impossible, you know?
JSTOR granted James Franco full PDF access for life.
James Franco won the culture war.
James Franco warned Fish about Sokal.
Debates about the canon are solved by looking at James Franco’s iBooks library.
James Franco begged & pleaded w/ Hegel for months & finally succeeded. “Thesis, Antithesis, Franco” was scrapped.
James Franco still has unmediated access to the Lacanian Real.
James Franco gets Blackboard to do what he wants.
James Franco asks all the questions at his job talks.
James Franco will win the #MLA12 Fun Run. Twice.
James Franco writes marginalia in library books in pen. Librarians and scholars thank him.
James Franco doesn’t know the rules about Fair Use. Congress exempted him from copyright infringement in 1982.
James Franco is permitted to contribute to _Profession_ in consecutive years. In fact, the MLA hopes he does.
Hemingway went to Spain in the 30s since he hoped to cover James Franco. Dos Passos was similarly duped.
Vladimir and Estragon? Obviously they’re waiting for James Franco.
James Franco consciously experienced his own birth. Sterne was so impressed by this that he put it in a novel of his.
James Franco, at an Art Nouveau exhibit with Sontag in 1962, called the work “camp.” Isherwood learned it from him, too.
SUNY Albany cut French in order to endow the James Franco Chair in James Franco Studies.
