The storm was unlike any I had encountered on my previous travels, and upon the collapse of my ship, a falling spar rendered me unconscious. I awoke to find myself on a well-kept lawn, crisscrossed with paths and overhung with giant trees of pleasing aspect. Stately buildings of stone reared up on all sides of me. Shivering from the wind, I realized that I was utterly naked; the storm had taken all. I snapped off a branch to hide the parts that nature taught me to conceal, until I could procure garments.
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The storm was unlike any I had encountered on my previous travels, and upon the collapse of my ship, a falling spar rendered me unconscious. I awoke to find myself on a well-kept lawn, crisscrossed with paths and overhung with giant trees of pleasing aspect. Stately buildings of stone reared up on all sides of me. Shivering from the wind, I realized that I was utterly naked; the storm had taken all. I snapped off a branch to hide the parts that nature taught me to conceal, until I could procure garments.
A tone chimed, and suddenly the paths were filled with people. Most appeared young and healthy, but strangely somnambulant. They seemed unable to find their way without use of small navigational devices which they held in front of their persons and stared at with zealous intensity. Covering myself as best I could with my branch, I hazarded to stop two young females, thinking I might find more sympathy for my condition from them. I made the best bow I could manage under the circumstances, and introduced myself as Captain Lemuel Gulliver of Redriff. I explained that my ship had foundered with, I feared, a tragic loss of life. Left with nothing but my skin, I would beg of them some meager assistance in finding clothes, in determining my location, and also in getting sustenance, for I had not eaten in days.
Notwithstanding the compelling nature of my story, during the telling I watched each one’s eyes drift back to the glowing surface of her device, as if drawn by magnetics. When finally they looked up, they seemed startled to find me still there, and I was obliged to repeat my plea that I was naked, cold, and starving.
“I could give you my scarf,” said the fair-haired one. “It’s old, I don’t like it, and my coat is warm.”
“And I have a Luna bar,” said the dark-haired.
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“But handouts are never the answer to inequalities,” said the first.
“They only serve to create a cycle of dependence,” said the other.
Emboldened by this show of sagacity, I asked these women to tell me more about this land’s economy and government, how leaders were empowered, justice meted out, and so forth.
“Uh,” the blonde answered, making a sour face. “That’s politics. We don’t pay attention to that, since it doesn’t have any effect on our lives.”
“Hey, we gotta run, or we’ll be late for class,” said the other. “‘Applied Ethics 401.’ There’s a surprise test today.”
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Having lost feeling in my toes, I limped toward a trio of somewhat older persons. I delighted to think these might be Professors, for in all worlds wisdom should breed compassion. But though my desperate condition held no possibility of threat, they shrank away from me in great terror. Only the most threadbare remnants of civility kept them from sprinting away entirely.
Holding my branch in place, I gently introduced myself and began to expiate on my pitiable circumstances. I was interrupted by the first one, whose look of terror shone above his neatly trimmed beard. “All hands lost? This is a disaster!”
Gratified by his empathy, I rejoined, “Indeed, sir. … “
“And you filed no statement of principles governing the institution in the discharge of its responsibilities for protecting the rights and welfare of human subjects?”
“I will begin the search for. … “
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“Stop!” he shouted, plunging fingers into his ear holes. “There can be no death on campus without IRB protocols! My lab! My funding! La-la-la, I know nothing!” And with that he ran off, fingers still in ears, screaming piteously.
Hoping to assure the other two of my self-possession, I adopted a rueful tone. “Much have I seen in my travels, and this display is not the strangest. More than once I myself have passed the verge of sanity, such as upon my return from the Houyhnhnms. … “
“Don’t disclose!” interrupted the next one, turning pale. “Not your mental-health history!” She clapped her hands over her mouth. “Now I have spoken of it! I must self-report Hipaa violations. I’m ruined!” And with that she ran pell-mell across the greensward, making a long strangled moan.
There was but one remaining, and on him I pinned my hopes, for I was desperate. “Good Sir,” I implored, placing a hand upon his arm. “I beg your assistance by all that is right and honorable. I am starving. I am cold. I am naked.” To impress my point, I moved my branch slightly aside, revealing a sliver of skin from rib to thigh.
The effect was catastrophic. He twisted away from me and put his hands over his eyes, decrying, “Forgive me! I did not mean to look … a slip, an accident!” Still covering his eyes, he ran blindly from me, howling.
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I next saw a coterie of servants approaching. I knew them to be such by the silk rope cinched tightly about the neck of each, knotted securely in front. Additionally, the complexion of each showed him — for they were all males, exceedingly white — to be kept too much indoors and without exercise.
“See here,” I commanded of the pack. “I am a gentleman of England fallen upon ill luck. I require the rudiments of survival. Please secure these at once, for I am very cold and have great hunger.”
To my consternation, none showed the slightest deference to my words. With insupportable insolence they spoke only to one another, and did so with a weariness and condescension far above their station.
“Another wastrel,” said one.
“More every year,” said another. “Ungrateful and undeserving.”
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A hand shot out, rattling a sheet of paper. “Form 666, Application for Additional Loans.”
More hands, more sheets.
“Form 666A, Agreement to Usurious Rates and Abusive Penalties.”
“Form 666B, Holding Harmless From All Manner of Misrepresentation or Complaint.”
“Form 666C, Rating Lender Fairness, Responsiveness, and Cheerfulness. And have a nice day.”
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The forms being of less use than my branch to cover myself, I cast them aside, and stared about me hopelessly. Among all the difficulties into which my travels had led me, I had never before felt the cold grip of despair. For the first time in my life I sat down and wept.
“Ay, pobrecito.”
I raised my eyes to behold a goddess. She shook her head with great benevolence, and held out her hand to me. Not since gray-eyed Athena came to storm-tossed Odysseus has a wanderer been so much comforted. I beg the reader’s indulgence of my conceit, if conceit it be. For how else am I to account for these beings who glided regally among the other inhabitants of this land, and yet were invisible to them? Furthermore, they spoke a different language, more pleasing to the ear. Their garments exhibited none of the foppery to be seen in the others; plain cloth uniforms sufficed, with no additions out of pride.
I was honored by a gift of such attire when my savior took me to the modest room where these beings resided. From a container that miraculously preserved the heat of foods, I was served a hearty stew, very tasty and piquant. The kindness of my hosts together with the food and clothing revived my spirits, and being very adept at languages I was soon able to converse with them, and learn of their homeland, which was called Hon Duras. In all manners they were delightful companions, only they could offer no assistance for my return to England, their freedom of movement and commerce being, in this land, severely constrained.