Thank you for applying for the position of dean of [enter school name] at [enter institution name], one of the finest educational institutions in [enter country name]. Please take a few moments to complete this short online assessment. You will receive immediate feedback on your answers.
1. Would you describe yourself as particularly territorial?
YES , Incorrect. Is that really your answer? Egad. The last thing we need is another control-freak dean who can’t work with other human beings. We value civility, collaboration, and participatory decision-making. Drop those hackles and get on the team bus already.
NO , Incorrect. Who will fight for your school? Are you a dean or a doormat? Deans must frequently fend off incursions from other schools, clueless policy makers, and assorted passive-aggressive nimrods hankering for a piece of your hard-earned pie. For God’s sake, stand up for yourself and your people!
2. As dean, do you plan to maintain an active research agenda?
YES , Incorrect. You know you have to work summers, right? Besides, we need you to keep the trains running, not write about the epistemology of postcolonial fruit flies or whatever.
NO , Incorrect. Have you no intellectual curiosity? How can you possibly oversee research faculty? They’ll never respect you.
3. Do you believe that students are always right?
YES , Incorrect. Really? Grief over the death of a great-aunt’s best friend’s brother’s cat provides sufficient cause to blow off finals week altogether? A bad hangover is a documented disability? Really?
NO , Incorrect. Ah, you’re one of those people who loved John Houseman in The Paper Chase. You prefer a totalitarian regime with just one authority: you. You obviously fail to value diverse perspectives. You view student-centricity as a sign of weakness. Frankly, you make us sick.
4. Do you want to be provost or president someday?
YES , Incorrect. We haven’t even interviewed you yet, and already you’re halfway out the door. We need someone who wants to do this job. How can you give your best effort if you’re constantly planning your next career move? Sheesh.
NO , Incorrect. Have you no ambition? Do you expect to simply coast into retirement, collecting an annuity from us? Not here, pal.
5. In a faculty meeting, you spend 20 minutes pontificating on a budget matter. Later you realize that some of your assumptions were wrong, making what you said complete drivel. You suspect that faculty members will never discover this on their own. Do you issue a mea culpa?
YES , Incorrect. Show any sign of weakness and the faculty will eviscerate you. Picture a lion and a three-legged gazelle. You aren’t the lion.
NO , Correct. +5 points.
6. Are you a technology enthusiast, e.g. iPods, iPads, etc.?
YES , Incorrect. The last guy treated us like his own personal Best Buy, racking up tens of thousands of dollars in charges for “educational technology.” Overhead projectors were good enough when we were in school, and they’re good enough now.
NO , Incorrect. The gal before Mr. Best Buy was a complete Luddite, and what a legal-pad-infested nightmare that was. We need someone who can relate to today’s techno-savvy students. Someone who is up on the latest trends, like Prodigy, Geocities, and MySpace.
7. Does it bother you that the preceding questions have been asked in a dichotomous yes/no format rather than a more powerful Likert-type scale?
YES , Incorrect. Deans can’t obsess over such small details; there’s just too much to do. We need a big-picture, 30,000-foot visionary, not an anal-retentive bean counter. Get out of the weeds for a minute—the view’s nice up here.
NO , Incorrect. You obviously lack even the slightest bit of statistical acumen. Our CFO would eat you alive.
8. ESSAY: In the space below, please describe your approach to the assessment of student-learning outcomes. Please be specific.
Invalid response. You provided us with subjective, anecdotal evidence that cannot easily be measured. The correct answer is “4.3.”
Thank you for your responses. We are pleased to report that your score places you among our most promising initial candidates. We will call soon to arrange an on-campus interview with various interested parties, all of whom will know, with the zeal of the truly righteous, that they are infinitely more qualified for the job than you.
Please bring an open mind, thick skin, and boots.
