Why This Philosopher Wants Her Students to Ask Someone Out, in Person

Kerry Cronin was shocked to discover a decade ago that when it came to relationships, ambitious, intelligent, and extroverted college students felt lost. With hookups they were pros. But dating or romance? They didn’t know where to start.

While teaching a one-credit, pass/fail course on the meaning of life and other broad philosophical topics to seniors at Boston College, she assigned them to ask someone out on a date. Soon enough students told her they were registering for the course because they wanted that push.

This month a new documentary film based on her findings, The Dating Project, features two of her students, among other singles, and invites viewers to “take the dating assignment” themselves. Cronin, associate director of BC’s Lonergan Institute, now offers it for extra credit in a yearlong great-books course for freshmen who ponder questions like, “What’s the best way to live?” Students must ask someone out in person, plan an activity (no alcohol), spend no more than $10, and limit the date to 90 minutes. Those who choose to participate write reflection papers and present them to the class.

Cronin, who gives talks about dating on other campuses, spoke with The Chronicle about what she’s going for, pushback to the assignment, and who besides students seeks her help.

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Are freshmen socialized into hookup culture, or is it something they already expect?

They’re expecting it, but they’re also trying to take the temperature when they arrive on campus. They want to figure out what it means to have a college experience. I talk to my students about drinking and binge drinking and drugs. I talk to them about cultural signaling. And I tell them that this is part of a broader conversation about what kind of person you want to be and how you want to be treated and how you want to treat people.

By second semester, a lot of students are already positioning themselves relative to hookup culture. Many students just opt out of dating altogether. They’re very busy thinking about their careers and how to pay off this huge debt they’re going to have. They’re concerned about different facets of adulting.

But what I found years ago was students saying they didn’t feel they knew enough about love and romance. When I first heard that, I thought, Oh, that’s heartbreaking. And that’s not right, you know? We’re all trumpeting a “whole person” education, and as a Jesuit university, that’s one of our main principles. I’m not interested in being a life coach. I just want to have students reflect deeply on the important questions of their lives.

Is there consensus on what a hookup is?

The phrase itself is abstract, so when you tell the story, there’s social status to it without having to actually account for what you did. The definition I use now is “a physical or sexual interaction with no perceived emotional content and no perceived intention for a follow-up.”

The word “perceive” here is really important. What I hear from most students is that they don’t know if there’s any emotional content, because you’re not supposed to talk about that while it’s happening. The point of hookup culture is to avoid the communication. The worst buzzkill in a hookup is somebody who stops and says, “Wait a minute, what does this mean?” It’s not supposed to mean anything. And then we act surprised later that maybe it does mean something.

Do you see your assignment as the antithesis to hookup culture?

A student of mine last year asked me if I’m trying to get rid of hookup culture. No, I’m not. I’m not naïve. If I thought I could change hookup culture on college campuses, I’d go out of my mind.

But these days, with so many connections on social media, we are finding that students feel very lonely. They feel people don’t really know them or understand what’s going on. They’re exporting their feelings elsewhere and living with a lot of social anxiety. I’m very concerned. I’m concerned about research that says women’s confidence levels are deteriorating while they’re in college. There isn’t a single problem to point to here. But I’m trying to chip away at one piece.

Have you heard any concerns about this assignment doing more harm than good?

The administration has been nothing but supportive. I’ve had faculty at BC and other schools say I shouldn’t be in on this dating stuff. They are rightly concerned about boundaries. But I’m not in the school of thought that a student’s life and character are off limits. We know they’re going through a tremendous amount of growth, so why would we sit out of the game of figuring out what’s going on? That’s foolish. We need to learn what’s going on in dorms and on Friday and Saturday nights.

I also have people say to me that I have an old-fashioned, anti-feminist agenda that limits a woman’s agency. But I’m not trying to go back in time. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling heterosexual women to get over themselves and learn to ask men out.

Have you come across students who use the assignment as a way to open up about their sexuality?

I always say it’s about self-knowledge and courage. I assume that some students in the class who don’t want to do it may be working out important social issues, and maybe they don’t want to put themselves out there. That’s fine. But I’ve had students who’ve completed it who are from all walks of life. It’s a question of trust and the community we’ve built in the yearlong course.

This is about looking someone in the eye and making yourself awkward and vulnerable. Students come back to me and say, “Oh my God, I can’t even remember the words I used, I was such a wreck.” People hide behind screens to guard from vulnerability. I get that. We want to swipe right and reduce anxiety, because on those apps, you only get the wins.

Have you ever caught a student cheating on the assignment by, say, asking someone out on Instagram?

I’m sure there are students who’ve cheated. But if you have to cheat to ask someone out for coffee, that is totally lame.

I’ve caught one student whose reflections were total bullshit, so ridiculous and cookie cutter. I emailed him back and said, “That was an interesting read, but when you actually do the assignment, let me know.” My BS radar is pretty good. I tell students, If you don’t want to do the assignment, don’t. You can even write about why you didn’t want to. You can still be in on the conversation.

Do you get random inquiries from people who are like, “Help me”?

Definitely. Let’s emphasize the word “random.” I got an email the other day from a 61-year-old widow who had read an article about me. She wanted to ask out some guy at work. I told her to be brave.

People just want you to hear their fear. They just want someone to say, “It’s gonna be OK.” I’m constantly amazed by how common-sense it is, but that’s what people need.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.