Teen Mom 3: Celebrity Literary Heroine Edition

No! No, Tess! Don't eat that!

Today we’re lucky enough to be interviewing the three lucky—or are they? –young women who will be appearing in the next season of MTV’s wildly successful program Teen Mom. After all, the show’s second season finale was watched by more than 5.5 million viewers and its cast members appear on the covers of glossy as well as tabloid magazines on a regular basis. Rumors suggest that a whole generation of junior-high and high-school students are attempting pregnancy in order to “star” in the program and because they regard the young women, and some of the young men, who appear on the weekly program as role models.

At least that’s the excuse they give their parents when caught after the lights are turned on in the finished-basement. “I was just preparing my audition,” they say. “Again.”

Unlike earlier versions of the series in both popular incarnations Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2, which began in 2009 as a spin-off of “16 and Pregnant,” however, we’ve learned that the newest version of the franchise will deal with classic Teen Moms from literature.

Not only will this help MTV and the producers avoid pesky lawsuits and various other forms of judicial actions incurred when the stars get arrested for domestic violence, drug possession, or overuse of heavy black eye-liner and “smoky” lid-color, but the producers insist it will “raise awareness concerning the risks of teen pregnancy on the page” and that it might also “get teens to read the assignments” given to them by their teachers and professors so as to better understand the context of Teen Mom 3.

College students, according to all reports, form a hefty and reliable part of the Teen Mom audience. “Female students, education majors, social science majors, English majors, anthro major, poli sci majors…” one of the insiders is quoted as saying, “All of them are glued to their screens because they can call their deep engagement with the show ‘research.’ In addition, they experience the delights of genuine Schadenfreude, even if they don’t know how to spell it, to think that the girls who perhaps were more popular in high school and did not study or take practice SAT’s are now having a really lousy time.”

So let’s meet our new Teen Moms from Lit: first, Hester Prynne, who many of you know from her appearance in The Scarlet Letter, and look, she’s wearing a lovely version of that very letter now; Tess Durbeyfield, a familiar face from her nearly eponymous novel Tess of the D’Urbervilles (and we’ll hear more about that business about the last names, won’t we, Tess?); and, last but not least, Hetty Sorel, who was once engaged to the man who still holds the name to the book in which she appears, Adam Bede (and, once again, we’ll hear more about what happened between you and Adam, won’t we, Hetty?).

Please welcome our new cast members. We’ll get to know more about them—and what their season on Teen Mom 3 might look like—in our next installment. Stay tuned and remember, we love audience feedback!

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