About a month ago I got an e-mail from a total stranger that had no purpose other than to insult me. The sender must have stumbled on this Chronicle article or some of my posts on Language Log. I’ll quote the message in its entirety (there was no salutation: in this man’s eyes I do not merit a “Sir,” let alone a “Dear”):
I just came across your essays on Elements of Style while browsing the Internet. Although I cannot argue with your commentaries, I find your arrogant tone far more offensive than the flaws in the book. T. Plummer |
Now, speaking for myself, when I find I don’t like the tone of someone’s writing I just stop reading. I don’t read on and on until rage drives me to track down the author’s e-mail address and fire off an insulting message. I just stop reading what they write. Not so for Mr. Plummer.
I thought for a long time about whether to answer this surprising spontaneous hate mail attack (keeping in mind that even in the U.S.A. there is no free speech for spam rage). Many possible candidate replies jostled with each other in my head. Let me review a few of them for you. I have attached names for ease of reference. Which do you like best?
1. The Imitative
I just came across your e-mail on my essays while browsing my mail queue. Although I cannot argue with your opinions, I find your arrogant tone far more offensive than the flaws in my work. G. Pullum |
2. The Ethical
Mr. Plummer: I do not claim to be perfect human being. I’ve done a few things in my life that I’m a bit ashamed of. But I don’t believe I have ever in my life sent off a message with no other purpose than to hurt a total stranger’s feelings. Geoff Pullum |
3. The Flippant
T. Plummer wrote: > I find your arrogant tone far more offensive > than the flaws in the book. Well, Strunk and White are dead, so no comeback there! Once you’re dead I’ll write in similar terms about you. How are you feeling, by the way? GKP |
4. The Reflective
Dear Mr. Plummer: E. B. White states baldly in Chapter 5 of The Elements of Style that one should write without adjectives and adverbs. Now, there are 5 adjectives and adverbs in the 34 words of your message. That’s nearly 15 percent — more than double the frequency in typical prose. Yet your message (if a little unkind) is perfectly well written. I am trying to argue that your prose should not be critiqued on the ridiculous grounds offered by a silly and incompetent little book — and your response is to insult me? This seems ungrateful. Professor Geoffrey K. Pullum FBA |
5. The Abusive
I don’t give a solitary rat’s dropping about the opinions of a slimy, worthless, drooling, obnoxious little weasel like you. Pompous, whining, pusillanimous, ungrateful morons like you make me vomit. (How are you finding my tone so far?) GKP |
6. The Wildean
Hotel Albemarle Dear Mr. Plummer, You were so kind to write to me. There may indeed be a certain negative animus perceptible in my writings on dear old Professor Strunk and his much-loved student. Perhaps I was too harsh. I did consider revising one of my essays after I received your note; I worked very hard all morning, and took out a comma. But in the afternoon I put it back again; who am I to tamper with a work of genius? At any rate, you must admit that I have given you something sensational to read on the train. Ever yours, Geoff Pullum |
I never actually sent any of these. But what I did instead was perhaps the most cutting response of all. In effect (though mostly out of indecision) I took a leaf from Jack Reacher’s book. The tough and laconic hero of Lee Child’s novels often meets hostile strangers, some destined for broken knees or noses, some for grisly death. When they say mean things to try and rile him up, Child always describes the response in the same way: “Reacher said nothing.”